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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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I’m scanning the area, and I see a couple of guys hanging around. They look suspicious. I’m like, “We gotta go, now!” My client’s like, “But the view!” I’m like, “Forget the view, man! Your life’s at stake!”

Russian military proving their presence in Kyiv Oblast